Cycles.

I have come to realize that my life in Kansas goes through cycles, very much like the one I experienced nearly a week ago.

I am still struggling very much with my identity in Christ, and trying to find my hope and security in Him instead of finding it in my friends and family back home (all of whom I miss very much).
After last week, when God really took time to bring me to my knees and come to the realization that He is the only thing I have and the only thing I need, I felt secure and confident that the work God is doing in my life was going to be worth it. But, being a terrible sinner, I am yet again struggling with unbelief in God's plan for my life. I know in my head that God is good, and that he is working in my life in ways tat I cannot even begin to imagine as he prepares my heart for a life time of serving him. But I still find myself missing Florida and feeling separated and vulnerable from everything I love.

 Honestly, it is so hard for me to be in Kansas. I have never longed for anything like I long for my family, and friends back in Florida. I have never felt such deep emotions for a place like back home. But God is revealing himself to me as the one thing in my life that is always with me. And every time I wonder if moving 1,300 miles outside my comfort zone to discover God's will for my life is worth it, I fail to believe the Gospel and what it promises me. I trade my doubt and worry for the security and comfort of the Gospel, and I am tired of going through this cycle! I wish I could believe wholeheartedly that Christ IS enough for me, and that Christ WILL satisfy my heart if I seek him, but I fail to do so and leave myself , instead, wondering if God's promised work will be worth missing my friends.

Tonight I took time on my knees to repent of my unbelief. I do not want to believe any longer that my struggle cannot be overcome by the God who saved me, and gave me his Spirit to guide me always. God is still working on me, and I can boil it down to this one idea (which is more than I had last week):

God has my body. He has it right where he wants it. My head knows that this is where I am supposed to be. My head knows that too many doors were opened for this not to be the place God has called me to work in me. But He is relentlessly pursuing my heart to believe that He is good, and that he is enough to satisfy my empty heart. He is working in me to believe with my life that He is worth my struggle. He is calling me to rest in his sufficiency for my life in any circumstance. The cross was enough to cover my sin, my worry, my doubt, and my unbelief.

The cycle is complete. Yet again, I find myself convicted of my sin, and repenting of my unbelief. What a great feeling to know that God cares about my stubble, and even in my unbelief of his work, which has proved itself time and time again, he longs for me to run back to his trustworthy embrace.

Please pray that God would keep working to rid me of my unbelief, and that I would fall into the grace that he has given me. I have a strong desire in my heart to see God use me, and do great things in his name through me. I know for a fact that the work he is preparing me to do while I am in Kansas will be more powerful than I can dream of writing into words, but my sinful heart wants the result of God's preparation without going through the hard work of God preparing my heart. Please pray that I would continue to abide in grace, and rest in Christ's work on the cross and in my life.

As I wrap this entry up, I feel compelled to share something.
Please don't let my struggle turn you off to letting God work in you life in tough areas. The struggle I am encountering is reminding me that God is close, and that he is working to mold me into a man who will be effective in serving Him. I would encourage you to pray to open your life to letting God work in a way that will be hard, but ultimately would make you need Jesus. Moving away from my comfort zone has been the hardest experience of my life to endure, but I have never felt closer to God, and I have never desired to see him work in me more than during this time. It might be healthy for some of you reading this to pray that God would take you outside of your comfort zone to experience what it's like to need Jesus.
Or maybe not, I'll leave that between you and God.
But, I pray that this blog would affect some of you to love Jesus more and to see that doing scary things for God will result in a deeper understanding of grace and God's will for your life, just as this journey is doing in my life.

John3:30

-Daniel