I have to make a confession. The 4th marks one full month since I arrived in Topeka, and began blogging consistently. I have to admit that I have not been very up-front about much of what has been going on in my life (more specifically in my heart) since I arrived in Topeka. I will do my best to explain everything as I'm sure you have many questions as to what that statement could mean, and I will also explain how tonight has been the defining night of my walk with Jesus Christ and how I will never be the same after tonight's events. But first I want to apologize for not being honest and open with the readers of this blog. I hoped that by masking many of the less-than-pretty experiences I have had/felt that I would help encourage people to stretch themselves and pursue whatever it is God has for them. But, now I see that this is not the case. As a reader of this blog, I desperately need you to bring my mission, and requests to the throne of God in prayer. I absolutely need you to be praying for me in the most informed way, and you cannot do this unless you are properly informed. This being stated, I plan on being completely open with this blog, so that you can pray for me in my struggles, hardships, victories, and positive experiences.
To be honest:
The last month of my life, since arriving in Topeka, has been the hardest month of my entire life. I have experienced lows in my spiritual and emotional life that I did not know were possible. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I agreed to move 1,300 miles away from my home. I have been completely isolated from my friends, my family, and any source of comfort that I could ever cling onto. I have experienced moderate depression symptoms as I struggled to find, and even search for a group of friends in this new place I am calling home for the next year. I have felt particularly defeated lately, as I have made many efforts to submerge myself into a group of friends, but not seeing many people willing to reach out to me and simply be my friend. This experience on top of missing my dearest friends and family have been mounting for the past 5 weeks.
Tonight was a terrifying and beautiful night in my walk with Christ, because all at once, I felt completely separated from everything I once drew comfort and security from. All of the things in my life that I worshipped, including my group of friends, my loving family's support, and even something as simple at watching a football game on TV felt so far away from me. I realized for the first time that everything I held dear to me was back in Florida, and I seriously began to question why I moved away from everything that was such a big part of my life, and made me feel at home?
This mental breakdown occurred in a Starbucks, where I sat by myself and cried. I cried for the first time since moving away from my family. For the first time since leaving my closest friends in Tallahassee. For the first time since getting in the car and driving 22 hours away from everything I had worked so hard to make myself feel secure. I felt vulnerable, and I was terrified.
I left the Starbucks and proceeded to call my mom and cry harder than I have ever cried before. I could not understand how God, in all his goodness and wisdom, could allow me to feel so vulnerable, insecure, and isolated from everything I loved.
During the conversation with my mom, my faith became real to me for the first time in my entire life.
I realized that God never gave me friends to make me feel secure. God never gave me a loving family to make me feel like they were the ones who supported me always. God never wanted me to place my identity in the people I love, or the places I call home. God saw me in my sin, and his response to my sin and rejection of His love was the cross; so that now I can stand justified in his sight by the blood of his son Jesus, and that is where my security and comfort is truly found.
Missing Florida is not a bad thing. But telling myself that Florida is the only place I can be truly happy is not what the Gospel says. The Gospel says my joy is in Christ, and in the power of the cross over my shameless sin against God. This realization, that the only thing I need is Christ changed me. I sat in my car in an empty parking lot with only Christ, and my salvation to boast in and rely on for comfort.
I only have Christ and his work for me on the cross to lean on in Topeka. The good news is that it is the only thing I will ever need for the rest of my life.
As I prayed in my car for nearly an hour, I began to feel peace rushing over me in my vulnerability. I was alone with Christ, and I felt secure. I had no friends, or family, or comfort from anything but Christ's great love for me. This became real for me for the first time in my life. I understood why all my efforts to connect with people in Topeka seemed to bounce right back at me, because if I had friends right now, I would not need Jesus this much. Praise the Lord for his sovereign wisdom, and plan over my life.
God is planning something big in my life. As cliche as that sounds, and as often as I throw that phrase around, I believe that it is really true. God would not be continually working in my life to strip away my comfort and security to only find Him at the end of all my schemes to feel secure if He did not want me to realize that He is the one constant rock for me to cling onto, and place my life in his hands to do whatever he wills with my life. But first, God is asking for all of me to commit to following him. Even to the point of pain, and separation from my comfort and pride.
Please pray for me, I need it now more than ever. I need to become a strong man empowered by the love of Christ to do his will in the midst of conditions that, quite frankly, I am sick of. I want to completely devote my life to Christ, to glorify his name and make it known among the hopeless and the broken. I want to go wherever God calls me, and stay there even if it is miserable, as I feel right now. I know that suffering for the sake of Christ will not be in vain. I need faith to believe with my life that the decision to follow God's call away from everything I love and hold dear was for my good and the glorify God.
I love you all, and appreciate your prayers. Please give me feedback on any questions you may have or things you would like to say to me here: Daniel@trashmountain.com | 785.409.4782
John3:30
He must increase, I must decrease.
-Daniel
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